Power & Pleasure of Sorry

We friends frequently have some interpersonal counselling sessions to address our day to day issues. Most of the time conclusion is forgiveness is the key to normalise all situations. So much is preached about forgiveness. Every work of philosophy stresses on importance of forgiveness. And there is no second opinion about it. It’s definitely a gift which one can give to oneself.

My concern is about the basic step which leads to forgiveness- A sincere apology or a Sorry. Many a times we are taught that we should forgive without expecting any apology, but that does not undermine the importance of an apology. When we are small, we are trained by all elders-parents, grandparents , teachers to inculcate some good moral habits..Toddlers are frequently seen saying sorry and thank you..their mind is pure..they are in joyful mood..they commit small mistakes and say sorry instantly..If they are happy about something they instantly say thanks with a wonderful smile.Their life is so straight and simple because of that..

Problems creep in when feelings of competition, anger, insecurity and jealousy starts creeping in with age. In earlier days family peace and proper tuning of all members as a single unit used to be of utmost importance. So if any member was wrong an immediate sincere apology would instantly solve any friction. With some punishment or some counselling problem used to be addressed then and there. Forgiveness was granted without much deliberation. This was a general situation in all households..exceptions may be there..but as a whole wrong doings were corrected instantly..for this our and our earlier generations have taken common forms of punishment and we never took it on mind. We took good lessons and moved on .Even in schools it used to be the same. In long run these inculcated habits of apologising and forgiving, about acknowledging sincere efforts.

As society progressed focus shifted from family to individual preferences and choices. That is definitely good since individuals started feeling elevated and free to express themselves , to enrich their life in their own way. But during this evolution I guess we as human beings are moving away from basic qualities /manners required for peaceful interpersonal relations. The ME factor has increased so much..even a small primary school kid is conscious of his self respect. But with growing competition around people are seen having tendency knowingly or unknowingly to replace their self respect with ego.Ego has become centrepoint of all problems in recent times.

I love to observe everything around..Whenever group of kids play , it is natural for them to fight, patch up ,argue, cry and again hug each other..they are ready to shout, ready to apologise..this keeps the game on. But there are certain children who are very aggressive and furious, they like to hit other children, destroy other child’s toys, disturb the game..I have observed many a times if children complain about them to their guardians instead of correcting their kids , guardians make it an ego issue. They safeguard their children and become defensive. Its natural tendency to protect one’s child but covering up mistakes at such small levels every time is harmful for the child, they don’t realise. Such kids never realise their behaviour is harming someone. Sab chalta hain is their way of expression. I feel it’s no wonder that these kids grow up as arrogant, self centered disrespectful individuals.

Respecting every other individual is need of human society for peaceful life. No education, no knowledge is useful unless we respect everything around. Where there is respect, feelings of destruction, anger, jealousy are probably less. One tends to take responsibility for one’s actions. One learns to empathise with others feelings and eventually if someone commits mistakes an apology comes naturally.

We have seen upsurge in divorce cases being filed. People say tolerance has reduced. Couples and other family members should forgive each other for a happy married life..yes thats 100% true..But it is equally true that when one is forgiving other should be apologetic too. Just as forgiveness gives peace to individual, realising mistake and saying sorry is equally beneficial. Its keeps value of relation , value of each other intact. Being apologetic sometimes even if one is not specifically 100% wrong, can save a valuable relation in long run. Love, respect ,trust, apology, forgiveness -all of them walk hand in hand in any strong relationship.

This also happens when children grow up. Nowadays kids are so conscious about their individuality and their rights. For maintaining a healthy family atmosphere, for strong a parent-child bonding it is necessary to keep on interchanging the roles..sometimes parents need to be apologetic too. Whatever happens at home has long lasting impressions on minds of kids. Parents can set right examples of respect and love through qualities of admitting faults and forgiveness. Parents can show that apology needs courage and there is nothing to be ashamed in admitting ones mistakes and correcting them.Long friendships survive because of transparency. We need to be compassionate, we need to be understanding, we need to forgive and we need to be apologetic too.

Many people feel that being apologetic means accepting they are inferior, weak or indicating the other person that they are indispensable. If there is mutual respect and if we value the other person ,apology is a symbolic action for indicating this factor rather than the situation. I have seen amazing response whenever I have apologised to my office staff for making them sit for long hours , for admitting to house helps that I sometimes scold them uncontrollably .We are human and we cross our limits of anger and stress sometimes. Realising one's mistake, admitting and correcting it is independent of age, caste, income, position. There is Feel Good factor in saying sorry which helps cheering up people around.

Another important aspect is meaning an apology. Many people have habit of tiding over situation by saying sorry and doing same mistake again and again. An apology is real and meaningful only when one has respect, one has understood wrong and one wants to rectify.

I have many Jain friends. They celebrate forgiveness day on the concluding day of their Paryushana festival. On this day they request forgiveness from each other for all offences commited-Michammi Dukkadam .I really love this concept..seeking forgiveness from one and all...

We cannot have such days regularly. At least we can inculcate habit in day to day life whenever possible. Forgiveness is independent and does not always demand apology. But apology definitely opens gate for forgiveness .Apology has a healing factor. It acts like a stress buster for the person who has suffered. Apology is recognition of pain. It is an indication of importance of relation. It is display of courage .No one is perfect, every human being is bound to be wrong at some or other point always. But recognition and acceptance of wrong shows true character and earns respect. A simple hug, a simple call,a flower,a card or just plain sincere sorry can go long way in bonding ..

So friends lets display courage, admit mistakes, forgive ,love all and respect all.