Social Validation
Recently, I was discussing with my daughter about song for her dance performance during Ganeshotsav cultural fest. I was trying to convince her about a song which people in general would like .On that she replied that she was performing for her own happiness and not for the audience. I absolutely loved her reply and thought yeah!!! actually this is what real happiness is all about. At tender age our happiness is pure. We know for sure what we want .We are not bothered about anything else. If only that innocence can be secured..
As we grow up ,our crystal clear minds get painted by so called norms of the society. Over years layers after layers of social acceptance cover our mind. Knowingly unknowingly, we start adhering to social norms of set form of behavior. In our day to day communication and interaction with all, we start believing that this is true, this false, this is good, this is bad, this is success, this is failure and so on . All such parameters are already defined by majority rule. In all this process, we tend to forget our own real self. Our parents, family, friends, teachers all seem to be committed to make some ideal being from us. All are in continuous mode of turning the best master pieces. Consequently we start looking at ourselves from their eyes.We tend to forget that there is nothing called ideal. All are exceptional and we need to recognize our own self being. Yet we tend to succumb to social validation.
The way I looked in mirror at the age of six was different from the way I looked at the age of 13 or for that matter 19 or 28 or 36. Doesn’t this happen with us all?? As we grow up, the small grey streaks in our hair start bothering us not necessarily because of our own preference but mostly because we don’t want people around us to notice them.
I love observing people who are not used to buffet dinner or lunch so regularly in restaurants. Children are the most carefree and eat to their minds content without much worrying about people around. Teenagers are bit conscious. But most conscious is the middle aged group. They are worried about whole lot of things. They think multiple times before asking for repeated serving or while serving something in plates from the line of food delicacies in a row. What will people around think is question so vividly reflected on faces around. What will society say or how the people around us perceive us always remains an integral part of our growing up.
In playschool, children are allowed to behave freely. Infact they are encouraged to express themselves in all possible forms. But when the same kid enters primary school all sort of rules and regulation start applying to behavior. I agree that this all is for inculcating discipline but in the pursuit of discipline the expression takes a backseat. We slowly forget natural ways of expressing our emotions.
The conditioning forces most of us to believe that we are as we are in eyes of people around us. We judge ourselves from the way people perceive us. The way people think about us makes or breaks us. This is social validation which I really wonder about.
I was standing in commerce admission line after securing rank in board exam. There were many parents around who commented on my choice. At that time science stream was considered to be a little more prestigious than commerce and their logic was commerce could always be a fallback option. Till that time I was so confident about my choice but after one hour of hearing various kinds of opinions, for a moment I also moved in doubt zone .Fortunately Profession should be chosen out of love and not according to social valuation was the thought process always at my place. The freedom of choice and its exercise at the right time helped me to be happy in pursuit of professional qualification. But how many are so lucky? Majority of kids exercise career option out of parental pressure and expectations. Professional choices are based on monetary and social recognition in many cases. I agree that financially one needs to be sound but choosing profession just to achieve some social position need not necessarily make one happy always.
Happiness is the ultimate aim of human existence. The real happiness is in doing what one loves truly. Do we all really do, what we love? If we observe, whatever we do, we try to get it approved in some form or other from some other person or persons in our life. This validation boosts our belief and confidence that we are doing, is correct and good enough. A person may be happy in his one room kitchen but just because society equates progress to bigger homes he may move out. A homemaker friend of mine doesn’t like to cook at all. She can easily afford a help to cook .But just because people around will feel she’s not an ideal housewife, she toils against her will in kitchen day in day out.I wonder why every decision needs to be validated by people around us?
This is also a common phenomenon in cases of women who take a backseat in career post pregnancy. For a few days everything goes good. But a few years later when people around start enquiring about future career plans during general conversation also, they may start feeling worried. Many suddenly start feeling some sort of pressure building up inside as in whether they are really losing upon something in life. Many times I have seen such women avoid answering people thinking what they will think. Fact is that they have taken break to enjoy motherhood and may be because they don’t have anyone to take care of the child as the way family does. Does having a degree entail earning money or professional position also compulsorily?? But still they feel awkward when they have to admit that they have taken a break.
In a recent corporate meeting ,new senior professional wanted everyone in his team to introduce themselves .All in team gave brief summary of their professional qualifications and work experience. I know a girl in that team who is not professionally qualified but very proficient in her work. But still a sense of inferiority complex got reflected when she introduced herself.
What kind of pressure is this? Does what people think really make a material impact in our day to day lives. Isn’t it just a mental perception? Just because thousands of people are doing something, does that something become absolutely right? And does that right is always right for us, if so can it make us always happy???Isn’t being good at what one does ,not sufficient. Isn't being happy with one's position not really possible.
If we observe most people tend to work not just for satisfaction or money but for acquiring social status and recognition. Ask a millionaire not to flaunt his richness but just to keep on working and earning. Is this really possible? When we start progressing we start craving and acquiring material possessions what is socially recognizable as sign of career growth or prosperity. But a point definitely comes in life when no such possessions and recognition can give peace and satisfaction to our inner selves.
Whenever I write a blog ,I write it just for expressing my thoughts. I am just engrossed in pouring my mind in it .The happiness and satisfaction I derive from it is beyond words. There is no expectation of any kind and just a pure bliss. Isn’t this the case in every art form .Expression when natural gives pure happiness.But when it is keeping in view public appreciation and recognition ,it may be publicly or commercially rewarding but not gratifying always.
Friends, my point is peace and happiness of mind is linked to our inner selves. Superficially we may feel happy when we do something appreciated by people around but real satisfaction is derived when we listen to our inner voice. When we do what we really want then only we can cool the fire in our souls. Our life journey is much above social recognition and validation. People who agree, who support, who validate our actions and decisions are not our permanent companions in life. We just get entrapped in vicious circle of validation. If we get ourselves attached to this validation process any sort of rejection can lead us to depression or failure feeling always.We can lose confidence every now and then in such a case.
We ourselves have to decide what we really want in life. Earning money is just a small aspect of day to day lives but deriving happiness without succumbing to social pressures is the key to real and innocent wellbeing .We need to do anything for our own progress, for our own benefit and for enhancing our happiness quotient. If we value ourselves then only we can be confident enough to pursue our dreams and live a fulfilled life.
“What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others.” ― Confucius
