Expectations in Relation
“Learn to love without condition. Talk without bad intention. Give without any reason. And most of all, care for people without any expectation.” Unknown
I have always been in awe of story of Radha Krishna. Their relation is devoid of all expectations. Their eternal love is not dependent upon fulfilment of any conditions. Very few relations on this planet are without any give and take and without any expectations.
A small child expects to be fed, taken care of and be protected. The way baby cries when something goes wrong is a way of expressing that something is amiss. This is expectation without child's knowledge. As a child grows depending upon the surroundings, behaviour of people around, friends, family sanskaar, education , this feeling grows and manifests in different forms. Knowingly- unknowingly expectations become an integral part of our lives. We all experience this day in day out.
The other day I hung up the phone but could not assimilate the conversation with my mother. She had given feedback on my latest poem which was not at all as expected. All day I was thinking about it and later I realised, the way in which I had the freedom to write what I felt she too had a freedom to express her opinion. Does it not happen that knowingly unknowingly we expect defined set of actions - reactions from our parents too??
As parents most of us feel happy when our child behaves or performs in certain way. We let go off deviations too since they are dear to us. But sometimes we do try to make them adhere to our wishes. Aren’t we wrong when we do so? Are they not independent from us? A friend was upset as her kid won't pursue an art form in which she had been trained since childhood. She felt that love for that art would be hereditary. She tried to pursue her kid, got angry too. But in vain. Just because we have given birth, we cannot control our child’s likes and dislikes.This is a reality which we need to accept asap to avoid stress in future .
Expectations-anticipation of people to behave in certain way is a feeling common in all human relations. It actually decides how most of the relations would grow and remain strong. We need to respect individual choices and preferences. Just because somebody’s behaviour doesn't match our thought process we need not get upset. Even in best of friends there can be differences. Unless they accept shortcomings and small-small disappointments, friendships can’t survive for long. This is true for all relations. Every individual is different. Every individual has thought process of own. Even siblings staying in same home don’t behave in similar fashion. So, we can’t assume that a person will always behave as per our wish. If people behave as expected that’s good but if not we need to ignore/accept and look at bigger picture always.
I have been very impatient since childhood. But when I started professional work, I realised that no one was going to work as per my timelines always. I need to understand temperament and adjust for smooth work and results. Getting irritated and frustrated is futile. Our vision may not be aligned to all around. We need to take everyone along if we wish to achieve higher purpose. My mentor once explained that leader in organisation has to be like Lord Shiva. He has to swallow poison sometimes if required , in interest of organisation.
Even in family ties,expectations play a crucial role. Where there are expectations there are bound to be disappointments and anxiety.100 % satisfaction is never guaranteed. There is bound to be some mismatch which starts shaking trust and confidence. For relations to be strong and healthy one need to give up all expectations. If not, one need to at least forgive and forget if things don’t turn up as expected. We need to understand that when we expect something, we too are under scanner to fulfill someone’s wishes. We too can fail sometimes and still expect to be loved.
“Expectation feeds frustration as it’s simply an illusive form of control by attempting to grip the reins that aren’t ours to hold. Breathe. Release. Let go. Allow your life naturally, quietly to unfold. ~Victoria Erickson.”
A friend’s in-laws always forgot to wish her on birthday and anniversary. Before marriage she was used to so much excitement, surprises and parties on very occasion at her parent’s place. First few years she felt upset and angry. In-laws were very loving and caring and used to call to wish her after a day or two if they remembered. Over time she realised it was not so important for them as it was for her. Their priorities and interests were different. The day she accepted this, she no longer craved and disturbed herself. She enjoyed the special day and made a point to call them herself and seek their blessings. They were happy too with this gesture and blessed her whole heartedly.
The root cause of all our anxiety, fear, sorrow is expectation. When we start working on removal of expectations from every relation, we start enjoying them in pure form. Its rightly said ,“Rishtey hote hain jeevan main saath nibhane ke liye,na ki inse befizul ummedein lagane ke liye.” We need to strongly believe that all people are good and everyone’s conduct is as per the circumstances they are in and their individuality. We need to take cognisance before arriving at any conclusions in life. Empathising can play an important role and help us in recognising and dealing with our expectations. We tend to lose moments of togetherness and happiness if we keep grudges and stay disappointed. We need to play our part to the best of our capabilities and let others play their role as they wish.Human relations are most precious and we need to keep beauty and essence intact by giving up on our expectations.
